The Reception, the Gymnasium and the Sleep Mask

At the beginning of the dream I'm at the end of [private street name redacted], at the edge of the park, attending a get-together.

I think [person A] is smoking dope. We’re eating potato chips and a salsa dip made with yogurt.

More people are arriving, among them [person B], and we are all invited to a reception at a restaurant located in a house right there.

The restaurant is crowded. Among the delicious dishes they're serving, I can only choose salad to eat, because I unfortunately filled up on chips.

I watch the others being served a protein- filled salad, Roquefort cheese dressing and salmon. The deep orange colour of the fish makes it very appealing, but I cannot even try it.

The atmosphere is festive. [person B] is having beer and seems really happy. I'm staring at him when I notice he changed his t-shirt for a more youthful design.

[person B] works in a New York laboratory, many moons since last time I saw him. I’ve always found him attractive and suggest we go to a pub afterwards, for some beer. It’s hard to tell if he wants to.

[person B] has few admirer after him, I think he's unsure where it'll lead. Among the people in this gathering, I see [person C] and [person D]. She doesn't seem to have seen me, and I call her by her name to say hi, while I kill time to see where [person B] goes.

[person D] looks overloaded with work; she’s exhausted. They all did a good job organizing for so many people, and finally finished. I stay there a while longer, to smoke a joint, making the most of this time of freedom in an atmosphere of non- judgmental entertainment, and wait to see [person B].

Another dream takes place in my childhood house on [private street name redacted], in Santiago.

Some mats are laid out under a set of parallel bars in the garden. I'm in my house deciding how to organize the space. I want to do it well and plan a better gymnasium. I move the mats and gymnastic equipment to the garden outside the kitchen and decide to put up some tarps, to create a partially covered space.

Now the dream takes me further up the same avenue, to a neglected condominium complex, where former students from the [school name redacted] are housed.

From outside I observe the buildings but only remember catching a glimpse of [person E], an ex class mate who I have not seen in such a long time. I don’t think he knows me anymore, since I have changed a lot. I'm holding a copy of my book with dream diaries that I recently finished, proud of my publication.

I go out to the avenue to wait for a bus

to take me somewhere else and experience an unnoticed and shameless sexual desire that I'm willing to satisfy with whoever. It is pure sex, nothing else. I arrive at a house where I find my grandmother, who I'm happy to see, and as always encourages me to freedom. I see her as a friend, and she empowers me.

At the house is a pool, and my ex high school sweetheart [person F] who I gave my virginity away waits for me. I pretend to approach him acerbically, because I'm currently in another relationship. I'm Conscious that my libido is dispassionate and merely a physical desire but that I'm prepared to satisfy it come what may.

The dream is fading into that situation; after the swimming pool [person F] and I go on to another place. I'm diligently polishing my boots, putting polish around the sole, so they are not damaged by water and to wear them when I go out.

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I dream that I get up in this same room,

my body is fragile and I feel simply worn out. I fight the impotence of not being able to remove the glasses I wear to sleep. I can only touch the objects that are in this place. I am really tired; my eyes are a sea of tears.

Past a furniture dividing the kitchen and my bedroom, it's [person G], she appears in a bed.

Slowly, I wake up confused, it's not clear to me when did she get here? I have the feeling that during the initial weeks of the 101 project. [person G] was here before, that much it's true but I'm not sure when she left or if she left.

I don’t understand and I am not able to see, this truth disorients me sending me far away. I cannot take the sleep mask off, I have lost control and shed tears.

It's tragic. I feel extremely weak there's nothing I can do and don’t know what to do about that. I ask myself if I should stop the 101-nights study for a couple of days. I lack courage and don't even know when I

lost my way that's why I cry.

I have lost my connection to health and the divine.

Night 051